I've never understood this, but when my father told us he was leaving, he took off his wedding ring and gave it to me! Why??? Then my mother took off hers and gave it to me. What do you do with your parents' wedding rings in that situation? I kept them for years, until my father lost all his money and was living in a friend's basement. I then sold them and gave him the money. I also had an expensive multi-piece dresser set with 24 carat gold that I knew his new wife had picked out for me. Several years ago, I donated that to a ministry that operates a store, with the proceeds going to support a Baptist children's home. It felt good to know that something that brought me pain would help children.
This is the biggest inconvenient truth of modern life – and "oh, the kids are fine" is the biggest lie. Thank you for drawing attention to what so many people do not wish to see or to understand.
At least they’ll have two Christmasses! Adults have a number of sayings and thoughts that help them feel better about choosing to do this to their kids. (Excluding the folks who HAD to get divorced against their will or because it was necessary to protect themselves/their kids.)
I was only four, but yes I remember it. My mother and I were in the car and she told me they wouldn't be married anymore and daddy would be going away. I think that was the first moment I started to understand that they just didn't care about me at all. It was the proto catastrophe for me, destabilising my life forever. I'll be 60 in a couple of months, and I'm only starting to get myself sorted out now.
Ugh, we’re so sorry. It’s amazing how significant those moments are for us. We say that divorce isn’t a singular trauma, but usually the start of many more.
I was raised by my biological dad and a step mom who had a child together, my sister. Our parents divorced when she was 7. My sister later went on to die by suicide. I am not suggesting that this is a direct result but it is one thing my father has gone on to lament and deeply regret. The statistical correlation is undeniable.
When my son was in elementary school, he would get rather alarmed every time my wife and I would have even a slight disagreement. He would sometimes ask us, "Are you getting divorced?" and we would have to assure him that it was normal for married couples to have disagreements from time to time and no your mom and dad will never get divorced. He was so concerned because most if not all of his classmates' parents were divorced (in a Catholic school no less.) If it traumatized my son as an outside observer, I can only imagine the trauma of the children directly involved.
My parents were so dysfunctional together that the divorce itself was honestly a relief. I was also close to 18 when it happened so I had also done most of my growing up when it happened.
What bothered me the most about my parent’s divorce was actually what happened after. My mother didn’t date after the divorce but my father did and eventually remarried. I was initially okay with the idea of him dating and remarrying. Until I realized that the new wife wanted to also play step mom to my father’s 6 adult children. I was the youngest at 23, the oldest was around 40.
They only dated for about 6 months before getting engaged and all of a sudden I had to completely accept this person as family. A person who had no claim over me whatsoever. She wasn’t related biologically and she also had not helped raise me. She felt entitled to a relationship with me because she married my father and didn’t give a shit about actually getting to know me. I was not at all hostile to her in the beginning but talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. Like there wasn’t a person in there or something. No connection. I cannot describe how uncomfortable those initial meetings were with her.
And to top it all off I got a dose of religious shame from our priest for not wanting to go to their wedding after I started feeling like something was wrong. He said it would be “unloving” to not go.
This is a great perspective…the phenomenon of what adults experience when their parents divorce later in life is called “grey divorce.” Many of the same issues still arise even as adults are better equipped to handle it than a child. Thanks for sharing! - Jenn
My parents split when I was a small child but I also felt the worst part was the step family my dad forced on us shortly after. There was this weird expectation that you would see them as a positive addition to your life. It became clear after the fact that my dad had really left my mom for another woman given that he’d known her previously and married her 3 months after the divorce. But we were supposed to overlook the homewrecking element and embrace our stepmom.
Dad passed but no, there was no desire to have a relationship with the stepfamily. Life is too busy to force yourself to keep up relationships you’d rather forget.
Thank you for this article. It's a perspective I rotate through from time to time in an attempt to understand it as a counter position to what I have known. And what I usually read online suggests the impact of divorce on children is minimal and not long lasting.
I was always suspect of this dismissive approach, which seems to center the parents' needs for agency and egress. These, too, matter, but flattening and minimizing the experience of children does not seem wise.
I felt completely justified when I divorced the father of my three children after 13 years of addiction, infidelity, and abuse. But the divorce completely destroyed my kids' lives. The effect was immediate. For the first few weeks after their dad moved out, they slept on my bedroom floor. They no longer felt safe. Seeing the long-term effects now that they are grown, what I wouldn't give to go back and change it all.
Thank you for what you do. I am a child of divorced parents and when I found your work, I felt deeply understood. I realized that I wasn't "crazy" or self-pitying.
I've never understood this, but when my father told us he was leaving, he took off his wedding ring and gave it to me! Why??? Then my mother took off hers and gave it to me. What do you do with your parents' wedding rings in that situation? I kept them for years, until my father lost all his money and was living in a friend's basement. I then sold them and gave him the money. I also had an expensive multi-piece dresser set with 24 carat gold that I knew his new wife had picked out for me. Several years ago, I donated that to a ministry that operates a store, with the proceeds going to support a Baptist children's home. It felt good to know that something that brought me pain would help children.
That is so bizarre. We’re glad you were able to turn those things into helping others.
This is the biggest inconvenient truth of modern life – and "oh, the kids are fine" is the biggest lie. Thank you for drawing attention to what so many people do not wish to see or to understand.
At least they’ll have two Christmasses! Adults have a number of sayings and thoughts that help them feel better about choosing to do this to their kids. (Excluding the folks who HAD to get divorced against their will or because it was necessary to protect themselves/their kids.)
I was only four, but yes I remember it. My mother and I were in the car and she told me they wouldn't be married anymore and daddy would be going away. I think that was the first moment I started to understand that they just didn't care about me at all. It was the proto catastrophe for me, destabilising my life forever. I'll be 60 in a couple of months, and I'm only starting to get myself sorted out now.
Ugh, we’re so sorry. It’s amazing how significant those moments are for us. We say that divorce isn’t a singular trauma, but usually the start of many more.
I was raised by my biological dad and a step mom who had a child together, my sister. Our parents divorced when she was 7. My sister later went on to die by suicide. I am not suggesting that this is a direct result but it is one thing my father has gone on to lament and deeply regret. The statistical correlation is undeniable.
We are so sorry. The breaking up of one’s family is often a precursor to much more sadness and traumatic experiences down the road.
When my son was in elementary school, he would get rather alarmed every time my wife and I would have even a slight disagreement. He would sometimes ask us, "Are you getting divorced?" and we would have to assure him that it was normal for married couples to have disagreements from time to time and no your mom and dad will never get divorced. He was so concerned because most if not all of his classmates' parents were divorced (in a Catholic school no less.) If it traumatized my son as an outside observer, I can only imagine the trauma of the children directly involved.
Very sad that he was surrounded by that, grateful you guys were able to show him a better picture of marriage! -Jenn
My parents were so dysfunctional together that the divorce itself was honestly a relief. I was also close to 18 when it happened so I had also done most of my growing up when it happened.
What bothered me the most about my parent’s divorce was actually what happened after. My mother didn’t date after the divorce but my father did and eventually remarried. I was initially okay with the idea of him dating and remarrying. Until I realized that the new wife wanted to also play step mom to my father’s 6 adult children. I was the youngest at 23, the oldest was around 40.
They only dated for about 6 months before getting engaged and all of a sudden I had to completely accept this person as family. A person who had no claim over me whatsoever. She wasn’t related biologically and she also had not helped raise me. She felt entitled to a relationship with me because she married my father and didn’t give a shit about actually getting to know me. I was not at all hostile to her in the beginning but talking to her was like talking to a brick wall. Like there wasn’t a person in there or something. No connection. I cannot describe how uncomfortable those initial meetings were with her.
And to top it all off I got a dose of religious shame from our priest for not wanting to go to their wedding after I started feeling like something was wrong. He said it would be “unloving” to not go.
This is a great perspective…the phenomenon of what adults experience when their parents divorce later in life is called “grey divorce.” Many of the same issues still arise even as adults are better equipped to handle it than a child. Thanks for sharing! - Jenn
My parents split when I was a small child but I also felt the worst part was the step family my dad forced on us shortly after. There was this weird expectation that you would see them as a positive addition to your life. It became clear after the fact that my dad had really left my mom for another woman given that he’d known her previously and married her 3 months after the divorce. But we were supposed to overlook the homewrecking element and embrace our stepmom.
That is a terrible thing to put on a child. Do you have any kind of a relationship with your dad and stepmom as an adult?
Dad passed but no, there was no desire to have a relationship with the stepfamily. Life is too busy to force yourself to keep up relationships you’d rather forget.
That’s understandable. Did you have to deal with a lot of pushback for that decision or were people understanding about it?
No, nobody cared much. People have their own problems to worry about.
Thank you for this article. It's a perspective I rotate through from time to time in an attempt to understand it as a counter position to what I have known. And what I usually read online suggests the impact of divorce on children is minimal and not long lasting.
I was always suspect of this dismissive approach, which seems to center the parents' needs for agency and egress. These, too, matter, but flattening and minimizing the experience of children does not seem wise.
I felt completely justified when I divorced the father of my three children after 13 years of addiction, infidelity, and abuse. But the divorce completely destroyed my kids' lives. The effect was immediate. For the first few weeks after their dad moved out, they slept on my bedroom floor. They no longer felt safe. Seeing the long-term effects now that they are grown, what I wouldn't give to go back and change it all.
Thank you for what you do. I am a child of divorced parents and when I found your work, I felt deeply understood. I realized that I wasn't "crazy" or self-pitying.