Thanks for the write-up. As a Catholic couples therapist, I am well aware of the torture children are put through when couples come to me asking me to help them uncouple. My top goal is always to keep the marriage intact. I am not at all surprised by the numbers in this report. My husband and I were separated for 3 months before we tried again. I was so lost and distraught at that time, and thank God daily for giving me the enlightenment I needed during the time of separation. Before separation, the voices I were hearing were ' You deserve to be happy. The kids need to be shown 'what a loving marriage looks like'. Bullshit! The kids needed to be shown what commitment and living a life of faith looks like... And that is what we did and are currently doing.
5 million. 30 years of data. There is way more. I'm 56 and have suffered through divorce since age 5. There is no way to quantify the wholeness of the disruption of the lives of the young people that must endure a divorce.
Your Figure 1 shows a marked increase in divorces per 1,000 women in the mid-1950s. I know it well. My mother had three children by three husbands even before she and my father "had to get" married, as used to be said. She left her second and third children in an orphanage for seven years. My older brother, younger sister, and I were less than five years old in 1953 when our parents divorced to pursue other people. The next fifteen years were a series of custody suits, our going back and forth between them -- and their respective new spouses -- who were either uncaring or outright cruel. We lived with various relatives at times. In the end my mother was married eight times, my father seven. She had eight children by five husbands, he had three other children besides us with two wives after divorcing our mother. I never enjoyed the advantages of secure identity until the last fifteen years of my life; the loss has cost me dearly. My siblings and I have managed, well or poorly, but it didn't have to go that way. And it was all for no good reason. Hence my full support for TBU.
Researchers in the social sciences are surprisingly good at finally *formally* figuring out what ordinary people have known all along, after getting it wrong for decades and causing no end of harm along the way.
I appreciate this read, but want to point out that a low conflict divorce situation (as described) where one spouse has "fallen out of love" with the other and "in love" with a colleague at work is actually a high conflict betrayal to the other spouse. Its adultery. When a spouse says things like that it is usually to hide the years of lying and gaslighting their faithful spouse.That faithful spouse is gravely injured and should NOT be expected to stay or to try to reconcile with their betrayer. It's an abuse in every way and definitely doesn't feel low conflict to the faithful.
I reviewed my significant others over the years, searching for the key to why it was so challenging to get married, and stay married, in the 80s and beyond. Through this review, I realized that most of the men I was involved with were damaged by their broken homes, victims of the destigmatization of divorce in the 70s. We then purveyed the pattern.
I brought this into some online discussions, which was met with the usual, "Well it's better than listening to parents fight all the time." That used to work, but upon further reflection and discussion, I've concluded that, actually, while listening to parents fight is unpleasant and frightening, if they fight and stay together, that indicates that fighting isn't the end of the world. What younger generations have internalized is that fighting is an indication of an irreparable fissure. It doesn't have to be.
The other issue is that 'fighting all the time' doesn't have to be a permanent state either. In my own case, I have learned how to manage my significant other's bouts of irrationality without screaming at it.
We've evolved into a culture that doesn't know how to see a way THROUGH in a relationship. It's cut and run at the signs of trouble.
This is the second chapter of my book in progress, A Requiem for the Patriarchy:
Bless you and thank you for fighting this fight. You wouldn’t believe how many children are brought to me for mental/behavioral problems, where the parent wants a quick fix or a drug prescribed, or claims they have tried all the discipline tactics but nothing is working, perhaps I should run some labs to check thyroid levels… only for the parent to casually drop, oh yeah, we got divorced a couple of years ago, but he understands and took it great, that has nothing to do with his behavior!
Thank you for this thoughtful and brave piece. Children are the ongoing victims of divorce and family breakdown. And as adults, the pain and trauma can still pervade. I wrote about my experience of this and how family breakdown has impacted me in my pastoral ministry.
This isn’t just wrong. It’s dangerous. Have you considered, even for a minute, that divorce is necessary, that some marriages can’t be saved? I suspected your swipe at blended families was rooted in bias against divorced people. Now I know it. Signed, a survivor of an emotionally abusive marriage.
This makes Katy’s dig at blended families even more maddening. Recognizing that divorce may be the only way forward, yet taking a swipe at divorced people looking to heal?
This is in no way a dig at blended families. If you are already divorced and remarried, this article isn't for you. The point is that divorce is not innocuous. Even when it's as you say "the only way forward". (Although MANY can claim it's the only way forward, when they meet someone else and suddenly the person they married is actually a dud and the "wrong person" after all). The statistics don't care about your feelings or your reasons you got divorced. It's still not good for children's wellbeing. It affects generations to come. The statistics bear this out. This article would be more for someone considering divorce thinking the main goal is if they're happy (at any cost - including breaking a promise) and kids will be "resilient" and remain unaffected. Many adults don't have to end their marriages, yet many do, because it's legally easy (no-fault divorce) and they believe that it's "better for the kids". It's not uncommon for someone to divorce their spouse because they met someone and had some realization that who they are married to must be the wrong person after all. Or they feel vaguely unfulfilled, or lost the "spark". Not many people want to remember what they promised to do when they entered into a marriage, or demonstrate for their children what commitment and a choice to love looks like. Our vows are not contingent on if the other person is worthy, deserving, or even lovable all the time. Personally, I am thankful for that! Of course sadly there are spouses on the receiving end going through abandonment or an unwanted divorce.
Thank you for this report. I am one of those where there was addiction(porn infidelity), emotional abuse, and couldn’t be safe in staying. So in keeping privacy for kids haven’t told people our why for the most part- yes people could judge that it is about wanting something different w/o knowing whole story. Yes, I would never have chosen this for my kids -and ache for what my spouse chose to do in secret for decades and the impact it had on all of us. I am still on my healing journey and still separated as spouse struggles to heal with integrity and awareness of what his choices impacted for all of us and still are..having said this I am the advocate for educating men on what is marriage and what it requires of them for the long haul once they marry (spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical) to remain steadfast, loving, respectful, in face of stress hardship… the internet access to many addictions and other mental numbing doesn’t help adults do hard things.. long term with emotional wellness.
Thanks for the write-up. As a Catholic couples therapist, I am well aware of the torture children are put through when couples come to me asking me to help them uncouple. My top goal is always to keep the marriage intact. I am not at all surprised by the numbers in this report. My husband and I were separated for 3 months before we tried again. I was so lost and distraught at that time, and thank God daily for giving me the enlightenment I needed during the time of separation. Before separation, the voices I were hearing were ' You deserve to be happy. The kids need to be shown 'what a loving marriage looks like'. Bullshit! The kids needed to be shown what commitment and living a life of faith looks like... And that is what we did and are currently doing.
5 million. 30 years of data. There is way more. I'm 56 and have suffered through divorce since age 5. There is no way to quantify the wholeness of the disruption of the lives of the young people that must endure a divorce.
Your Figure 1 shows a marked increase in divorces per 1,000 women in the mid-1950s. I know it well. My mother had three children by three husbands even before she and my father "had to get" married, as used to be said. She left her second and third children in an orphanage for seven years. My older brother, younger sister, and I were less than five years old in 1953 when our parents divorced to pursue other people. The next fifteen years were a series of custody suits, our going back and forth between them -- and their respective new spouses -- who were either uncaring or outright cruel. We lived with various relatives at times. In the end my mother was married eight times, my father seven. She had eight children by five husbands, he had three other children besides us with two wives after divorcing our mother. I never enjoyed the advantages of secure identity until the last fifteen years of my life; the loss has cost me dearly. My siblings and I have managed, well or poorly, but it didn't have to go that way. And it was all for no good reason. Hence my full support for TBU.
You take a vow when you marry. It means something.
Researchers in the social sciences are surprisingly good at finally *formally* figuring out what ordinary people have known all along, after getting it wrong for decades and causing no end of harm along the way.
I appreciate this read, but want to point out that a low conflict divorce situation (as described) where one spouse has "fallen out of love" with the other and "in love" with a colleague at work is actually a high conflict betrayal to the other spouse. Its adultery. When a spouse says things like that it is usually to hide the years of lying and gaslighting their faithful spouse.That faithful spouse is gravely injured and should NOT be expected to stay or to try to reconcile with their betrayer. It's an abuse in every way and definitely doesn't feel low conflict to the faithful.
So the children should be made to suffer for the rest of their lives?
I reviewed my significant others over the years, searching for the key to why it was so challenging to get married, and stay married, in the 80s and beyond. Through this review, I realized that most of the men I was involved with were damaged by their broken homes, victims of the destigmatization of divorce in the 70s. We then purveyed the pattern.
I brought this into some online discussions, which was met with the usual, "Well it's better than listening to parents fight all the time." That used to work, but upon further reflection and discussion, I've concluded that, actually, while listening to parents fight is unpleasant and frightening, if they fight and stay together, that indicates that fighting isn't the end of the world. What younger generations have internalized is that fighting is an indication of an irreparable fissure. It doesn't have to be.
The other issue is that 'fighting all the time' doesn't have to be a permanent state either. In my own case, I have learned how to manage my significant other's bouts of irrationality without screaming at it.
We've evolved into a culture that doesn't know how to see a way THROUGH in a relationship. It's cut and run at the signs of trouble.
This is the second chapter of my book in progress, A Requiem for the Patriarchy:
https://open.substack.com/pub/dogl/p/my-dumb-feminist-life-the-age-of?r=eo3qf&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
Bless you and thank you for fighting this fight. You wouldn’t believe how many children are brought to me for mental/behavioral problems, where the parent wants a quick fix or a drug prescribed, or claims they have tried all the discipline tactics but nothing is working, perhaps I should run some labs to check thyroid levels… only for the parent to casually drop, oh yeah, we got divorced a couple of years ago, but he understands and took it great, that has nothing to do with his behavior!
Denial, denial, denial:
https://gaty.substack.com/p/is-adhd-a-river-in-egypt
Thank you for this thoughtful and brave piece. Children are the ongoing victims of divorce and family breakdown. And as adults, the pain and trauma can still pervade. I wrote about my experience of this and how family breakdown has impacted me in my pastoral ministry.
https://nicholastuohy.substack.com/p/family-of-origin-faith-and-the-fractured
This isn’t just wrong. It’s dangerous. Have you considered, even for a minute, that divorce is necessary, that some marriages can’t be saved? I suspected your swipe at blended families was rooted in bias against divorced people. Now I know it. Signed, a survivor of an emotionally abusive marriage.
This is addressed in the article.
This makes Katy’s dig at blended families even more maddening. Recognizing that divorce may be the only way forward, yet taking a swipe at divorced people looking to heal?
This is in no way a dig at blended families. If you are already divorced and remarried, this article isn't for you. The point is that divorce is not innocuous. Even when it's as you say "the only way forward". (Although MANY can claim it's the only way forward, when they meet someone else and suddenly the person they married is actually a dud and the "wrong person" after all). The statistics don't care about your feelings or your reasons you got divorced. It's still not good for children's wellbeing. It affects generations to come. The statistics bear this out. This article would be more for someone considering divorce thinking the main goal is if they're happy (at any cost - including breaking a promise) and kids will be "resilient" and remain unaffected. Many adults don't have to end their marriages, yet many do, because it's legally easy (no-fault divorce) and they believe that it's "better for the kids". It's not uncommon for someone to divorce their spouse because they met someone and had some realization that who they are married to must be the wrong person after all. Or they feel vaguely unfulfilled, or lost the "spark". Not many people want to remember what they promised to do when they entered into a marriage, or demonstrate for their children what commitment and a choice to love looks like. Our vows are not contingent on if the other person is worthy, deserving, or even lovable all the time. Personally, I am thankful for that! Of course sadly there are spouses on the receiving end going through abandonment or an unwanted divorce.
Thank you for this report. I am one of those where there was addiction(porn infidelity), emotional abuse, and couldn’t be safe in staying. So in keeping privacy for kids haven’t told people our why for the most part- yes people could judge that it is about wanting something different w/o knowing whole story. Yes, I would never have chosen this for my kids -and ache for what my spouse chose to do in secret for decades and the impact it had on all of us. I am still on my healing journey and still separated as spouse struggles to heal with integrity and awareness of what his choices impacted for all of us and still are..having said this I am the advocate for educating men on what is marriage and what it requires of them for the long haul once they marry (spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical) to remain steadfast, loving, respectful, in face of stress hardship… the internet access to many addictions and other mental numbing doesn’t help adults do hard things.. long term with emotional wellness.