I lived another painful version of this story, and my children have in turn, because of the legacy of the pain. I think acknowledging the realities is good, but similar stories could be told of the financially struggling family in which the father had to go to sea or on the road as a truck driver and thus was not "present" as he might have wanted to be, or the mother was chronically ill (my husband's experience). These are sad stories but give opportunity for resilience and forgiveness, and as we craft our own lives, we need to do everything we can, with wisdom, to spare the children.
The reality is that no matter how hard we try, the world is broken, and we will all suffer in some way from that. Absolutely, let's be aware and grounded in righteousness to be the best possible stewards we can of the lives we are given. But let's not make idols of the perfect family life - that will not go well, either.
I understand the point, but not all birth mothers are adequate mothers.
In a way it’s more painful to have a bad actual mother than a great mother who passed away at nine, giving you nine years of nourishing mothering, or a stepmother in senior year high school when on the verge of adulthood, at least giving you a rationale for unfair, toxic treatment.
I guess I am a little puzzled that the writer, already an 18-year-old adult when her father remarried a woman with minor children, both asserts (correctly) that no stepmother can replace a mother, and resents her stepmother for prioritizing her younger stepsiblings. Is it not appropriate for the stepmother to give her own children the same irreplaceable mother’s care the writer so deeply and sadly misses from her own mother? I wonder if the age difference isn’t as key a factor as biology - if all the kids in this blended family were minor then yes the stepmother would in decency to her new minor stepchildren need to sacrifice her time with her own kids to an extent to make sure her stepkids’ needs were being met. But one can’t be expected to give the same amount of time and energy to an adult child (step or not) as to minor children. Little ones are needier. It is all deeply sad but sometimes unavoidable that there is not quite enough time and attention - especially in big families- in my extended family’s experience it’s been more of an age divide thing (different dynamic though in that my nephew’s wife, mother of his three oldest, abandoned them and has had very little contact since the divorce, while their stepmother (who brought two kids the same age into the marriage and subsequently gave birth to two more) is incredibly loving to all kids adult as well as minor). It’s possible to do - but the fact the original crew of five were the same age, and the youngest two far younger, seems to have facilitated bonding.
The author said the step mom prioritized her own biological children over her AND her siblings. Also, while I agree that young children are in many ways needier than teens on the verge of adulthood, in other ways the older kids can be more in need of mothering as they finish school and head off to college. Depends on the kid. Speaking from experience as a mom.
She also said she’s been working through these things and finding healing and made it a point to honor her stepmother’s efforts, which I think is important to note.
I am puzzled as well. This author had both an amazing mother and an amazing father. The author’s parents put “them before us” by prioritizing their children until the author was 18 years old. All of the parents in this story (mom, dad, step-mom, and now the author herself) worked to prioritize the needs of minor children before their own needs or desires.
Beyond the grief of losing her mother at 9, the hurt really seems to be that the father and step-mother did not prioritize the author in adulthood as well. But the adults in this story did literally everything possible to nurture and care for the author up until that point, including extended family helping fill in the gaps while she was a teen.
‘Having to let go of all of your parents and the nurture you know you should be receiving, but are not, is a kind of pain I cannot describe. It is a grief that affects how you feel about yourself every day.’-beautifully said.
Sex. Parent of the same sex. Humans have sex, language has gender. Please of all the movements which ought to support accurate language, you should be the first.
I lived another painful version of this story, and my children have in turn, because of the legacy of the pain. I think acknowledging the realities is good, but similar stories could be told of the financially struggling family in which the father had to go to sea or on the road as a truck driver and thus was not "present" as he might have wanted to be, or the mother was chronically ill (my husband's experience). These are sad stories but give opportunity for resilience and forgiveness, and as we craft our own lives, we need to do everything we can, with wisdom, to spare the children.
The reality is that no matter how hard we try, the world is broken, and we will all suffer in some way from that. Absolutely, let's be aware and grounded in righteousness to be the best possible stewards we can of the lives we are given. But let's not make idols of the perfect family life - that will not go well, either.
In the end, humble idealism may be the best way.
I understand the point, but not all birth mothers are adequate mothers.
In a way it’s more painful to have a bad actual mother than a great mother who passed away at nine, giving you nine years of nourishing mothering, or a stepmother in senior year high school when on the verge of adulthood, at least giving you a rationale for unfair, toxic treatment.
I guess I am a little puzzled that the writer, already an 18-year-old adult when her father remarried a woman with minor children, both asserts (correctly) that no stepmother can replace a mother, and resents her stepmother for prioritizing her younger stepsiblings. Is it not appropriate for the stepmother to give her own children the same irreplaceable mother’s care the writer so deeply and sadly misses from her own mother? I wonder if the age difference isn’t as key a factor as biology - if all the kids in this blended family were minor then yes the stepmother would in decency to her new minor stepchildren need to sacrifice her time with her own kids to an extent to make sure her stepkids’ needs were being met. But one can’t be expected to give the same amount of time and energy to an adult child (step or not) as to minor children. Little ones are needier. It is all deeply sad but sometimes unavoidable that there is not quite enough time and attention - especially in big families- in my extended family’s experience it’s been more of an age divide thing (different dynamic though in that my nephew’s wife, mother of his three oldest, abandoned them and has had very little contact since the divorce, while their stepmother (who brought two kids the same age into the marriage and subsequently gave birth to two more) is incredibly loving to all kids adult as well as minor). It’s possible to do - but the fact the original crew of five were the same age, and the youngest two far younger, seems to have facilitated bonding.
The author said the step mom prioritized her own biological children over her AND her siblings. Also, while I agree that young children are in many ways needier than teens on the verge of adulthood, in other ways the older kids can be more in need of mothering as they finish school and head off to college. Depends on the kid. Speaking from experience as a mom.
She also said she’s been working through these things and finding healing and made it a point to honor her stepmother’s efforts, which I think is important to note.
I am puzzled as well. This author had both an amazing mother and an amazing father. The author’s parents put “them before us” by prioritizing their children until the author was 18 years old. All of the parents in this story (mom, dad, step-mom, and now the author herself) worked to prioritize the needs of minor children before their own needs or desires.
Beyond the grief of losing her mother at 9, the hurt really seems to be that the father and step-mother did not prioritize the author in adulthood as well. But the adults in this story did literally everything possible to nurture and care for the author up until that point, including extended family helping fill in the gaps while she was a teen.
‘Having to let go of all of your parents and the nurture you know you should be receiving, but are not, is a kind of pain I cannot describe. It is a grief that affects how you feel about yourself every day.’-beautifully said.
Sex. Parent of the same sex. Humans have sex, language has gender. Please of all the movements which ought to support accurate language, you should be the first.
This wasn't written by the organization. This was an individual pouring their heart out.