Oh gosh, yes. I had my first baby this year at 32 and "Why didn't we do this sooner?" was one of the first things my husband and I discussed. I definitely remember thinking that I fell for so much anti-family 'propaganda' through the lens of feminism.
In any case, we were so blessed to conceive so easily and just had to accept that God works in mysterious ways. He has infinite patience for us!
Yes, yes, and yes! I cringe when companies offer egg-freezing or money for IVF as a bonus and label it as a family-friendly program. It's a business-friendly program that fools women.
I love your point about grand-parenting. I am blessed to have grown grandchildren (and young ones) and for them and us, being part of their lives is incredibly important.
So true, I've seen many women change their minds after not wanting children, only to be infertile later in life. My children are the greatest joy in life, next to my husband of course. I'm so grateful we started our family early in life. It was hard financially but so worth it!
Very true, and the point should be made that women live longer than men, giving them more room to career later. (Maybe that's what that baby "bump" is all about!)
Also, it's important to note the single greatest evil of IVF is not in the lost lives - people rationalize those lives as comparable to the natural miscarriages that happen all the time in the most virtuous mother.
No, the single greatest evil of IVF is hard to see because it's hidden behind the face of a beautiful bouncing baby - it's the fact they have not been conceived of the marital embrace. Read Paul Vitz to see how important that identification with the marriage bond is.
I like the hundred fold, and I like many of his essays but his Dante books are the best. He had a video series on the book of John, and one on Gilgamesh that I liked.
I think it is so wonderful that people fall in love young and get married and have a family whilst they are young. Others of us meet our spouse later in life and get married later in life and are still blessed with children. I would have loved to get married young but that just didn't happen. I am grateful, now at age 62 to be blessed with three young grandchildren.
The heartbreak of infertility after a change of heart is real, and it's one of those life situations where the window simply closes. Not everyone who waits faces this, but enough do that it's worth acknowledging, some decisions can't be unmade, and some doors don't stay open forever.
Thank you for writing this. My husband and I started a family immediately (got pregnant on the honeymoon but it ended in miscarriage and was pregnant again soon after). And we both felt so judged by both the Church and the world for not waiting the standard “1 year to start trying”. With the natural trials and hardships of motherhood, I have often let culture’s message of “you should’ve waited/travelled more as a couple first/been more financially well off/waited until you owned a house/etc.” seep into my mind and heart and create grief. I wish someone had told me this message, that it’s a short term sacrifice for a lifetime of harvest, that the sooner we have children, the more time they get with us and us with them. Such a beautiful reminder. ❤️thank you thank you
Bingo. Some companies in the corporate world are not content to just use up a woman’s fertile years, but offer to freeze her eggs so that she can work for them longer before leaving to start a family. And that’s a deception because freezing eggs is no guarantee at all. But the delusion that you can delay your family for decades longer.
I am so glad that I didn't wait! I married my husband when he was 20 and I was 18. He was in the Navy about to ship off on his first deployment. Most people thought we were nuts. But it was the best decision I have ever made. I have built up a life with a wonderful godly man and spent my 20s having our four babies. We conceived our first two (I was 20 and 23) in the first month of trying and it took 3 months (25) and 4 months (28) with our next two babies. I turned 30 this year, and we have struggled with conceiving for seven months, including a miscarriage, something we had never had to suffer through before. My children are my pride and joy, my life's work. I will welcome with open arms as many as the Lord sends our way (I pray that He sends more), but I sure am glad that I spent my 20s raising babies as it seems that waiting until 30 may have resulted in me missing my window.
Pierced through by "all the things I thought we needed before having a baby were never the things that mattered. Waiting hadn’t made me more prepared, it had only postponed a joy I didn’t know I was missing."
There is a modern human arrogance that truly believes that "science," especially "medical science," is the answer to all of our temporal, physical limitations. We are entitled to have our cake and eat it too. Like the "transwoman" surgeon, when confronted with the reality of permanently disfigured detransitioners, flippantly replied that anyone that regrets their "top surgery" can always go and "get breasts" later. These "medical professionals" are lying to and exploiting vulnerable people for profit. It's unconscionable.
Correction: the physician I mentioned above, Johanna Olson-Kennedy, is not trans herself nor a surgeon, but a female pediatrician & researcher specializing in gender-affirming care for children and adolescents.
The point about starting a career later makes no sense. If you have a kid when you're 20 with no career, you have to work minimum wage or low paying jobs just to get by, living in whatever apartment you can find. There's no time for education, starting a business or moving up in the company, because raising children takes a hell of a lot of energy and you don't have the bandwidth to focus on anything else except for running the household.
It takes 20 years for you to raise one child, so now you're starting an entry level career at 40 with no retirement savings, no ability to buy a house, and no upward mobility. Not to mention your kid probably resents you because you had no ability to pay for the stuff they needed when they needed it growing up, and they're probably going to get stuck taking care of you in old age because there's no money in the bank to fund your care.
This whole article just seems wildly irresponsible.
My mother in law had children early in life, raised them up, and is a stay at home wife to this day - in her 60’s. Her husband provided for their family and continues to do so. She spends her days caring for their home, cooking delicious food, budgeting and saving them money, working on her garden (that often feeds them), doing hobbies that she loves, and being the best grandmother ever to his grandkids. She now also cares for her mother in law, who moved in after my father in laws’s dad passed away. Instead of having to send her to a home, she gets to be with family and get the best care.
My mom had her first kid at 18. She stayed home and had 6 more. 7 total. She stayed home full time majority of our childhood. When we got a little older, she did online courses, graduated, and became a teacher so she worked when we were in school - having weekends, holidays, and summers off with us. Then when we were out of the house, she kept teaching. My dad provided for his family during the time that she was home. It was an easy transition for her.
I didn’t resent my parents for anything, in fact, I loved the time I had with my mom all those years at home. It was incredibly special and there is no material thing I would trade those memories for.
My husband doesn’t resent his mom. He admires her. He is thankful. He also loves how involved she is in our children’s lives today.
I know many other stories that are similar. Not everyone wants to have a full time career or miss their children’s childhood.
I’m staying home with my children while they are young and IF I want to go back to work when they are older, I will. If I want to stay home and care for our family that way, I will. It’s all up to what my husband and I decide is best for us in that season.
Marriage gives you a freedom that you don’t otherwise have. When you really believe in forever and both people fully commit, it opens doors that otherwise are locked. Marriage is a true blessing.
I AM married. Me and my husband both work. It is not feasible for us or other millennials or Gen Z adults to have a household where only one adult works. It's nice that your elders were able to be stay at home moms, but that's basically impossible to do in today's day and age unless you sacrifice basic security for your family. If you are a stay at home parent and your husband dies or decides to leave you, you have nothing, and now you have mouths to feed on top of it. A man is not a plan.
I’m a millennial. I stay home. Most of my mom friends stay home. Millions of families are doing it. I’m not claiming that it’s possible for everyone, of course there are families who can’t but many can and do. It does take sacrifice though - we are a one car household, we don’t eat out all the time, I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for clothes or new make up, I don’t get my hair/nails done, we don’t go on expensive vacations often, we budget every dollar, my husband works long hours, etc. But it’s worth it to us to have me here with my young children. That’s a priority for me. My husband also provides for us in cases of emergencies - if he dies, we are covered. If he leaves me, I can get a job. I also have a ton of community support with our church, family, and friends. We’re safe. We’re loved. My husband isn’t “my plan”, this life style is OUR plan. We’re in this together. If you’re ever interested in figuring out if you can afford to stay home, I’m always happy to talk more in details and in private to help you get there. I’ve helped friends rearrange things to where they can stay home. Usually it just takes some finagling and lifestyle changes but if it’s a goal of yours, we can try to make it happen! Wishing you the best! ♥️
Can we do things to normalize going to university and starting a career later?
How can privileged older people like me help house younger people starting their families? I personally have enough kids that I help them directly as I can, but you know what I mean.
Oh gosh, yes. I had my first baby this year at 32 and "Why didn't we do this sooner?" was one of the first things my husband and I discussed. I definitely remember thinking that I fell for so much anti-family 'propaganda' through the lens of feminism.
In any case, we were so blessed to conceive so easily and just had to accept that God works in mysterious ways. He has infinite patience for us!
Yes, yes, and yes! I cringe when companies offer egg-freezing or money for IVF as a bonus and label it as a family-friendly program. It's a business-friendly program that fools women.
I love your point about grand-parenting. I am blessed to have grown grandchildren (and young ones) and for them and us, being part of their lives is incredibly important.
So true, I've seen many women change their minds after not wanting children, only to be infertile later in life. My children are the greatest joy in life, next to my husband of course. I'm so grateful we started our family early in life. It was hard financially but so worth it!
Very true, and the point should be made that women live longer than men, giving them more room to career later. (Maybe that's what that baby "bump" is all about!)
Also, it's important to note the single greatest evil of IVF is not in the lost lives - people rationalize those lives as comparable to the natural miscarriages that happen all the time in the most virtuous mother.
No, the single greatest evil of IVF is hard to see because it's hidden behind the face of a beautiful bouncing baby - it's the fact they have not been conceived of the marital embrace. Read Paul Vitz to see how important that identification with the marriage bond is.
Would add that the falso confidence it gives women to push conceiving later and later is also pretty evil.
Looking him up on amazon, I see he has many books... any in particular you'd recommend?
I like the hundred fold, and I like many of his essays but his Dante books are the best. He had a video series on the book of John, and one on Gilgamesh that I liked.
so true, and such an unpopular message. How to open minds and hearts to it?
I think it is so wonderful that people fall in love young and get married and have a family whilst they are young. Others of us meet our spouse later in life and get married later in life and are still blessed with children. I would have loved to get married young but that just didn't happen. I am grateful, now at age 62 to be blessed with three young grandchildren.
The heartbreak of infertility after a change of heart is real, and it's one of those life situations where the window simply closes. Not everyone who waits faces this, but enough do that it's worth acknowledging, some decisions can't be unmade, and some doors don't stay open forever.
Thank you for writing this. My husband and I started a family immediately (got pregnant on the honeymoon but it ended in miscarriage and was pregnant again soon after). And we both felt so judged by both the Church and the world for not waiting the standard “1 year to start trying”. With the natural trials and hardships of motherhood, I have often let culture’s message of “you should’ve waited/travelled more as a couple first/been more financially well off/waited until you owned a house/etc.” seep into my mind and heart and create grief. I wish someone had told me this message, that it’s a short term sacrifice for a lifetime of harvest, that the sooner we have children, the more time they get with us and us with them. Such a beautiful reminder. ❤️thank you thank you
Bingo. Some companies in the corporate world are not content to just use up a woman’s fertile years, but offer to freeze her eggs so that she can work for them longer before leaving to start a family. And that’s a deception because freezing eggs is no guarantee at all. But the delusion that you can delay your family for decades longer.
I am so glad that I didn't wait! I married my husband when he was 20 and I was 18. He was in the Navy about to ship off on his first deployment. Most people thought we were nuts. But it was the best decision I have ever made. I have built up a life with a wonderful godly man and spent my 20s having our four babies. We conceived our first two (I was 20 and 23) in the first month of trying and it took 3 months (25) and 4 months (28) with our next two babies. I turned 30 this year, and we have struggled with conceiving for seven months, including a miscarriage, something we had never had to suffer through before. My children are my pride and joy, my life's work. I will welcome with open arms as many as the Lord sends our way (I pray that He sends more), but I sure am glad that I spent my 20s raising babies as it seems that waiting until 30 may have resulted in me missing my window.
Pierced through by "all the things I thought we needed before having a baby were never the things that mattered. Waiting hadn’t made me more prepared, it had only postponed a joy I didn’t know I was missing."
There is a modern human arrogance that truly believes that "science," especially "medical science," is the answer to all of our temporal, physical limitations. We are entitled to have our cake and eat it too. Like the "transwoman" surgeon, when confronted with the reality of permanently disfigured detransitioners, flippantly replied that anyone that regrets their "top surgery" can always go and "get breasts" later. These "medical professionals" are lying to and exploiting vulnerable people for profit. It's unconscionable.
Correction: the physician I mentioned above, Johanna Olson-Kennedy, is not trans herself nor a surgeon, but a female pediatrician & researcher specializing in gender-affirming care for children and adolescents.
Having a baby when mom is statistically unlikely to see that child live to middle age- how is that “responsible “?
The point about starting a career later makes no sense. If you have a kid when you're 20 with no career, you have to work minimum wage or low paying jobs just to get by, living in whatever apartment you can find. There's no time for education, starting a business or moving up in the company, because raising children takes a hell of a lot of energy and you don't have the bandwidth to focus on anything else except for running the household.
It takes 20 years for you to raise one child, so now you're starting an entry level career at 40 with no retirement savings, no ability to buy a house, and no upward mobility. Not to mention your kid probably resents you because you had no ability to pay for the stuff they needed when they needed it growing up, and they're probably going to get stuck taking care of you in old age because there's no money in the bank to fund your care.
This whole article just seems wildly irresponsible.
My mother in law had children early in life, raised them up, and is a stay at home wife to this day - in her 60’s. Her husband provided for their family and continues to do so. She spends her days caring for their home, cooking delicious food, budgeting and saving them money, working on her garden (that often feeds them), doing hobbies that she loves, and being the best grandmother ever to his grandkids. She now also cares for her mother in law, who moved in after my father in laws’s dad passed away. Instead of having to send her to a home, she gets to be with family and get the best care.
My mom had her first kid at 18. She stayed home and had 6 more. 7 total. She stayed home full time majority of our childhood. When we got a little older, she did online courses, graduated, and became a teacher so she worked when we were in school - having weekends, holidays, and summers off with us. Then when we were out of the house, she kept teaching. My dad provided for his family during the time that she was home. It was an easy transition for her.
I didn’t resent my parents for anything, in fact, I loved the time I had with my mom all those years at home. It was incredibly special and there is no material thing I would trade those memories for.
My husband doesn’t resent his mom. He admires her. He is thankful. He also loves how involved she is in our children’s lives today.
I know many other stories that are similar. Not everyone wants to have a full time career or miss their children’s childhood.
I’m staying home with my children while they are young and IF I want to go back to work when they are older, I will. If I want to stay home and care for our family that way, I will. It’s all up to what my husband and I decide is best for us in that season.
Marriage gives you a freedom that you don’t otherwise have. When you really believe in forever and both people fully commit, it opens doors that otherwise are locked. Marriage is a true blessing.
I AM married. Me and my husband both work. It is not feasible for us or other millennials or Gen Z adults to have a household where only one adult works. It's nice that your elders were able to be stay at home moms, but that's basically impossible to do in today's day and age unless you sacrifice basic security for your family. If you are a stay at home parent and your husband dies or decides to leave you, you have nothing, and now you have mouths to feed on top of it. A man is not a plan.
I’m a millennial. I stay home. Most of my mom friends stay home. Millions of families are doing it. I’m not claiming that it’s possible for everyone, of course there are families who can’t but many can and do. It does take sacrifice though - we are a one car household, we don’t eat out all the time, I can’t remember the last time I went shopping for clothes or new make up, I don’t get my hair/nails done, we don’t go on expensive vacations often, we budget every dollar, my husband works long hours, etc. But it’s worth it to us to have me here with my young children. That’s a priority for me. My husband also provides for us in cases of emergencies - if he dies, we are covered. If he leaves me, I can get a job. I also have a ton of community support with our church, family, and friends. We’re safe. We’re loved. My husband isn’t “my plan”, this life style is OUR plan. We’re in this together. If you’re ever interested in figuring out if you can afford to stay home, I’m always happy to talk more in details and in private to help you get there. I’ve helped friends rearrange things to where they can stay home. Usually it just takes some finagling and lifestyle changes but if it’s a goal of yours, we can try to make it happen! Wishing you the best! ♥️
I'm sorry you don't understand.
I don't understand it takes money to have kids? Yeah, a lot of my generation realizes that, that's why the birth rate is dropping like a rock.
Things I think about:
Can we do things to normalize going to university and starting a career later?
How can privileged older people like me help house younger people starting their families? I personally have enough kids that I help them directly as I can, but you know what I mean.
What else are they lying about when they say that fertility has no expiration date?