Rebuilding Dating: Restore the Structure

If Part I diagnosed the problem, Part II rebuilds the pipeline.

Dating can’t be chaos. It is structured. When structure disappears, paralysis replaces it.

The documentary The Dating Project outlines a framework from Kerry Cronin, a philosophy professor at Boston College, who has spent years teaching a wildly popular course on dating and relationships — so popular that her lectures are consistently standing-room-only.

She explains that healthy dating works in three distinct levels with clear rules that modern culture has largely erased.

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If you missed Part I of the series, you can check it out here:

Saving Civilization Starts with a Date

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Level One: Group Dating

Mixed-sex groups. Public settings. No exclusivity. No physical intimacy. Low emotional risk. Hanging out with purpose.

Level Two: One-on-One Dating

Intentional time together. Clear expectations. Public setting. Limited physical affection (a quick hug, maybe a hand hold). No assumed exclusivity. No expectation that it’s an ongoing thing.

Level Three: Exclusive, Courtship-Level Dating

Exclusivity is explicit. Boundaries are agreed on. Romantic attention is directed toward one person. The relationship is oriented toward possible marriage.

Modern culture collapses all three levels into one — demanding emotional intensity, exclusivity, and sexual access immediately, then expecting participants to walk away without even a text goodbye.

Christian culture often eliminates levels one and two and skips straight to “courtship.” Many young people never get access to level three because they have no exposure to level one or level two.

So that’s where we must begin.

Make Dating Casual Again

When I (Katy) say casual dating, most people think of casual sex. Don’t freak out. That’s not what I’m saying. By “casual,” I mean lowering the barriers to boys, girls, and teens being together. Structured dating is not regression. It is a critical part of retaining our humanity in a digital age.

Many young people never make it to serious dating because the pressure is too high from the beginning. We need to encourage our children to be ready for dating and marriage by starting easier and earlier.

That means we need to reevaluate the phrase “only date for marriage.” When every date, every invitation, every conversation is treated as high stakes, it creates enormous pressure. Instead of gaining critical relational experience, they may opt out. And what happens if they don’t feel ready for marriage until they’re 27, or 33, or 38? They’ve lost critical, age-appropriate opportunities for relationship formation.

Here’s my suggestion.

Have a conversation (or three) with your middle schooler. Talk about the importance of relationships— dating, marriage, and parenthood. Tell them that in-person relationships are critical not only to our happiness but also to our humanity. We are relational creatures, and relationships take practice. Encourage them that even if they’re not thinking about marriage now (understandably!), strong relationship skills matter, and you want them to feel confident when there is a guy or a girl that they’re interested in.

Then lay out a healthy timeline.

A quick caveat: this is a framework, not fate. There are variables in dating and marriage that neither parents nor children can control. Missing one of these milestones does not mean failure. But there are factors we do control- social exposure, skill-building, courage, and actions. This pathway aims to maximize those relational opportunities in ways that align with healthy development.

Middle School

Encourage pre-teens to hang out together in groups. Guys and girls together at the roller skating rink, or walking to the grocery store, or lingering after youth group. Middle school is the perfect time to normalize non-romantic interactions in mixed groups. It builds offline friendships with the same sex and gives them practice having real conversations with the opposite sex.

Parents, this is not the time to panic. Do not treat every boy-girl interaction like a five-alarm fire. Middle school is for practice, not pairing off. It’s okay for kids to write notes, to chat on the phone, to sit next to each other at church. You are not endorsing romance; you are cultivating needed familiarity. Supervise wisely. But don’t over-police ordinary interactions. If we communicate that every cross-sex conversation is dangerous, our kids will internalize fear when it comes to dating, and the world is serving up enough of that.

High School

Especially in junior and senior year, encourage your teens to try a Level Two date (or five).

A Level Two date should be:

• Public

• Short (60–90 minutes)

• Alcohol-free

• Clearly defined

This will require targeted coaching.

Boys often don’t ask because they fear rejection. Girls reject because they’ve been told, especially Christian girls, that they should only “date for marriage.” So if they see one perceived fault (he’s from a small town; he’s too shy; I could never marry a dog person), they say no.

One or two “no’s” is all it takes for a boy to learn that it’s too painful to ask again.

We need to lower the pressure and help our kids think of dating as a skill to build, not a marriage proposal in disguise.

An invite can sound something like this, “Hey Amy, it was fun being with you on the debate team this year. Can I pick you up sometime next week and take you out for coffee? I’ll have you home within an hour and a half. I’d just like to get to know you better.”

For guys, this takes massive courage. Not only do they fear rejection, but now rejection can be digitally magnified and socially broadcast. They need encouragement to even ask. And they need fathers and pastors and mentors to tell them: no one is coming to rescue you from awkwardness. Courage is a muscle. It only grows under tension.

Girls need to be coached to say yes to invitations like this. Not if he’s creepy or makes them feel unsafe, but if he’s an ordinary young man who worked up the courage to do a hard thing.

And if after one or two dates she’s not interested, she should decline clearly and kindly: “Thank you for asking me out. It took a lot of guts, and you planned a nice date. But I would like to keep this at a friendship level.” A sweetly communicated decline can reduce fear, protect reputations, and make it easier for him to ask the next girl.

I told my Pride and Prejudice-loving daughters to say yes when a guy asks. “He may not be your Darcy, but you’re training him to be someone else’s. And maybe another girl is preparing your Darcy to ask you out.”

College

Hopefully, your kids have had exposure to Levels One and Two before college, because this is where the game gets real.

College is one of the few remaining places where young adults have sustained, embodied interaction with the opposite sex — labs, classes, intramurals, campus events, and daily in-person connection.

Do not waste this opportunity by telling your child to just focus on school. They can ace chemistry and have a girlfriend.

This means that you should send your child to a college not just where they will get a good education, but where they will be around like-minded peers. And here’s another important point. There should be a favorable gender ratio. That is challenging because most colleges skew heavily female.

My oldest went to Hillsdale, close to a 50-50 split. She started dating a (kind, brilliant, musical, and spiritually wise) guy in her sophomore year. They married right before graduation and are enjoying early married life together.

My soccer-star second daughter was interested in going to Grand Canyon University. But they have a near 75% female enrollment rate. I strongly discouraged her from applying. She’s now at Cedarville (45% guy/55% girl) and has a charming boyfriend. TBD on whether that will result in marriage, but they are both taking level three very seriously.

My 18-year-old son wasn’t sure he wanted to go to college at all. He’s been making good money doing construction for the last several years, but he also wants to get married and have a family. We are looking at Liberty not only because it has the degree he’s interested in, but because of the 42/58 male/female favorability. I’m hoping he not only gets a BA, but also an “M.R.” degree.

You cannot force or command your child to find a godly boyfriend or girlfriend. Some of it is providence. Some of it is their own choices. But some of it is strategy. Parents cannot control the outcome, but they can influence the environment. It is wise to think strategically about proximity, timing, and opportunity when guiding your children toward marriage-minded dating.

That timeline prepares the ground. But when a relationship moves into a more serious stage, the work changes. Now the question is no longer exposure or opportunity; it is discernment.

That is what we will examine in Part III- how to date well when marriage is on the line and discern whether he or she is Mr. or Mrs. Right.

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Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs.

We are not professional lobbyists or political insiders. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary conviction: children must come first in every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility. We exist to make one thing clear: when adults sacrifice for children, society thrives. When children are forced to sacrifice for adults, everyone pays the price.

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