No, Adoption and Third-Party Reproduction Are Not the Same

One responds to a child’s loss. The other creates it.

Them Before Us is firmly opposed to third-party reproduction, and we are unapologetic supporters of adoption.

At first glance, critics often conflate third-party reproduction with adoption. If Them Before Us promotes the ideal that every child should be raised by the married mother and father who produced them, shouldn’t we oppose adoption too? After all, in both situations, a child is raised by at least one non-biological parent and would face elevated risks compared to peers raised by their married biological mother and father. But there is a crucial moral difference: Adoption responds to a child’s loss. Third-party reproduction intentionally creates one. Understanding that difference is essential if we are serious about protecting children’s rights rather than reorganizing family life around adult desires.

Adoption seeks to mend a wound.

Third-party reproduction inflicts a wound.

Adoption is born of brokenness. Whether placed with their adoptive parents at the hospital or after years in an institution, an adopted child must lose their first family before finding their “forever family,” inflicting a primal wound. Adoption should occur only when every option for keeping a child with her birth family, the best-case scenario, except in circumstances of abuse, neglect, or abandonment, has been exhausted.

Even then, there has been a growing shift toward open adoption, because social workers recognize that children benefit from connection to their first family whenever possible. Anyone who has completed mandated adoption training will tell you that adopted children often move through grief and adjustment, and may experience feelings of rejection or abandonment.

Adoption says, “Let me help.”

Donor conception, on the other hand, creates a wound. Adults intentionally produce children with the express purpose of raising them without one or sometimes both of their biological parents. While adoption has moved away from anonymity, the fertility industry has seen an explosion of anonymous gamete donation. Children created through sperm and egg donation also grieve the loss of their missing parent. The difference is that the adults raising them are responsible for that loss.

Third-party reproduction says, “Let me have.”

With adoption, the child is the client.

In third-party reproduction, the adult is the client.

The guiding premise in adoption is that children deserve parents. The state or placement agency is therefore primarily concerned with finding parents for every child, rather than finding a child for every adult. While there are cases in which adoptive parents or agencies have overlooked the best interests of the child in favor of adult desires or financial gain, state, federal, and international regulations have been developed over decades to limit those abuses.

When adoption is done well, not every adult receives a child, but every child is placed with loving parents. Because granting guardianship of a child to a biological stranger carries inherent risk, adoptive parents rightly undergo screenings, background checks, physical and mental health evaluations, and training before placement. They also receive post-adoption supervision.

In adoption, the adults sacrifice for the child.

With third-party reproduction, the adults are the clients. The fertility industry operates on the mistaken assumption that adults have a right to a child, even if those adults are single or in a non-procreative relationship, have a criminal record, or are physically or mentally unfit to parent. This industry, which operates with minimal regulation, exists to deliver a child as a product to virtually any adult who can pay.

The cost to the child is profound: the loss of half or all of their biological identity, the loss of a relationship with one or both natural parents, often the loss of a dual-gender parental influence that children naturally seek, and in some cases, the loss of a safe home.

In third-party reproduction, the child sacrifices for the adult.

In adoption, the adult supports the child.

In third-party reproduction, the child has to support the adult.

In both adoption and third-party reproduction, children need to be supported through their loss. In an adoptive home, the child is freer to grieve the loss of their biological parents because they know that their adoptive parents are not responsible for their missing parents.

Here are some responses from adoptive parents when their child says, “I miss my birth mom.”

• “My oldest (11) has said periodically that she misses her birth mom for as long as she could speak it… Our response has always been in line with… of course you do…because you were designed to be with them. Both of them… So your ache is real and legitimate. We’ll do this together, and we’ll never leave you. But we know your ache is real...”

• “I think what [my adoptive son] thinks about and what affects him most deeply is the knowledge that his birth father left his birth mother once she became pregnant, causing her to have to make an adoption plan. He expresses a lot of anger about that, which we’ve always validated as appropriate...I mean, who wants to be abandoned?”

These adopted children receive support through their grief because the adults raising them didn’t choose for them to lose their birth parents. They are simply trying to mend the wound.

In contrast, donor-conceived children are living with the adult responsible for the loss of one/both parents. As a result, they may feel pressured to support their parents’ feelings, even if it means suppressing their own. Because of this parent/child dynamic, simply voicing their loss may be interpreted as blame, and that makes it difficult for the child to be honest:

• No matter how kick-ass my mom is, I will think about the siblings with my same donor’s blood rushing through their veins. No matter how kick-ass my mom is, I will still not have the courage to tell her that I found my biological father, like many other donor-conceived offspring, through nothing more than a few google searches. She can never know that I felt unhappy enough to the point where she (the one that paid thousands of dollars to bring me into this world) is not enough to satisfy me. Source

• “Why don’t you just talk to your mom about it?” they ask. I shake with fear. How do you talk to your mom about how hurt you are when her effort, drive, and passion to have you brought into this world is the reason you can even speak? How do you sit someone down and essentially tell them that they are not enough of a “family” for you?… This is the moment I feel my entire body tense up as they utter the all too familiar and famous words: “You should be grateful that she wanted you here so badly that she went through this whole process and literally payed to ensure she could love a child.” Source

Adults are supposed to be understanding, accommodating, and supportive. This is possible in adoption because the parent isn’t responsible for their child’s trauma, but is seeking to remedy it. In third-party reproduction, it’s the child who must often be understanding, accommodating, and supportive. Even though both situations involve child loss, one situation allows a child to grieve, process, and heal.

What the Research Confirms about Donor-Conceived Children

The impact of this dynamic, being raised by the adult responsible for the child’s loss, is reflected in the massive study My Daddy’s Name is Donor, which compares outcomes between donor-conceived children, adopted children, and those raised by their biological parents.

• Nearly half of donor offspring (48 percent) agree with the statement, “When I see friends with their biological fathers and mothers, it makes me feel sad.”

• More than half of donor offspring (53 percent) agree, “It hurts when I hear other people talk about their genealogical background.”

• Forty-three percent of donor offspring agree, “I feel confused about who is a member of my family and who is not.”

Almost half of donor offspring (47 percent) agree, “I worry that my mother might have lied to me about important matters when I was growing up.” Compared to those raised by their biological parents, donor offspring are more than four times as likely to agree strongly with the statement, “I worry that my father might have lied to me about important matters when I was growing up.” Many donor offspring agree with the statement, “I don’t feel that anyone really understands me.”

In short, donor-conceived people report deeper and more persistent identity pain than even adoptees. They are more likely to feel sadness when they see intact families, more likely to grieve the absence of a biological connection, more likely to feel confused about who their family even is, and far more likely to distrust the adults who raised them. When adults intentionally sever a child from their biological origins, the child carries the cost, often quietly and often alone.

Adoption is sometimes necessary. Third-party reproduction never is.

In a just world, no child would need to be adopted. The best-case scenario is always that a child is raised by the mother and father who created them, without loss or separation. But we do not live in a just world, and when parents cannot or will not care for their children, adoption becomes necessary.

Adoption does not deny a child their mother or father. It responds to the tragedy of their absence by seeking the next best thing: committed parents willing to sacrifice for a child who has already lost. Third-party reproduction does the opposite. It intentionally creates a child who will be separated from one or both biological parents from the start.

Both involve loss, but they are not morally equivalent.

Third-party reproduction inflicts brokenness in the service of adult desires. Adoption seeks to remedy brokenness in the service of a child’s rights. One asks children to sacrifice for adults. And the other asks adults to sacrifice for children.

What kind of adults should we be? At Them Before Us, we choose to be adults who absorb the cost so children don’t have to. We prioritize a child’s natural rights over adult preference and desire, even when that demands sacrifice. If you’re willing to do the same, join us. We’ll show you how.

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Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs.

We are not professional lobbyists or political insiders. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary conviction: children must come first in every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility. We exist to make one thing clear: when adults sacrifice for children, society thrives. When children are forced to sacrifice for adults, everyone pays the price.

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