Love Without Lying

5 ways to love your LGBTQ Neighbors without compromise.

10 years ago, Facebook told me (Katy) my high school friend Bradley was in Seattle.

"Get over here and have coffee with me!" I messaged him.

We spent two hours on a sunny bench outside of Starbucks. Almost the entire time he was detailing his break up from his boyfriend, literally crying on my shoulder. I loved this kid. We were part of the same elite high school chamber choir, performed in plays and musicals together, and both had one liners in the same blockbuster 90s movie.

I didn't know that our coffee time (plus refills) conversation would be consumed with his gay relationship and sex life. I don't remember what I said as he detailed the origins of the relationship, and the crushing sequence of their break up. I just remember praying whenever he would take a breath, "what do you want me to say now, Lord?" My constant question: how could I fully love him and support him without encouraging or affirming the choices and identity that he thought defined him?

"Katy, this is exactly what I didn't know I needed!" he said upon our departure.

A year later, I got another message from him."Are you against gay marriage?" He had seen some posts from my public Facebook page.

These are the moments I dread. That make me sick to my stomach because the thought of losing a relationship terrifies me.

"Yes Bradley. Gay marriage is an injustice against children. And God hates injustice against the weak and vulnerable," I replied.

I saw that undulating " . . . " as he typed and feared the words that would populate my DM. "But, how could you be? You love me so much."

"I guess you've been misinformed," I wrote. "Turns out Christians can fiercely love their LGBTQ family and still believe in traditional marriage."

Bradley is not the first friend with whom I’ve tried to walk that line of grace and truth. Sometimes I’ve done it well, and sometimes I have not. But after three decades of striving to honor Christ in my relationships—with a variety of family and friends who do not live according to God’s sexual ethic—I’ve settled on five rules that help me hold God’s truth in one hand and the preciousness and dignity of my LGBT friends in the other.

They are grounded in what I call the 1 Peter 2 principle which flows from these verses:

“The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone,” and

“A stone of stumbling,
and a rock of offense.”

What do we know about Christ and his truth from these verses? That He is a rock. Whether we accept or reject him, his truth and nature are consistent. He is either the cornerstone around which we build our life, or a block over which we will trip. But either way, his truth claims are hard, unbending, and immovable. And that’s for good reason.

1. Don't swap limestone for play doh in the name of love.

The truth about God's design for sex and marriage–that they belong together in a permanent heterosexual union– is one of the greatest stumbling blocks in our culture. Especially for friends who struggle with same-sex attraction or identify as LGBTQ. It can be painful for them to hear the truth about their bodies and sex and mothers and fathers and marriage. Some of us (indeed entire denominations) attempt to alleviate our LGBTQ friends of this doctrinal discomfort by recasting the stumbling block into something softer- “you can be gay or trans and Christian. What you do with your body is not as important as what's happening in your heart.”

In our more-compassionate-than-Jesus mentality, we seek to remake the rock of Christ into Play-Doh, so it doesn't hurt quite as much when our LGBT neighbor catches their foot on it. Of course, Play-Doh is much less likely to injure you, but neither can you build a house upon it. Modifying God’s truth in the name of love, kindness, compassion, maintaining relationships or any other modern idol not only robs them of a rare source of sexual sanity, it victimizes children. Better to believe God's word and speak it when He prompts rather than imperil yourself or your hearer. (1 Tim 4:16)

2. Stand on the Rock and Don’t Move

Understand clearly what God teaches about sex and gender and marriage.

1. He made them male and female, there is no in between, and you can't transition from one to another

2. Any sexual encounter outside of an exclusive heterosexual marriage is not only sinful, it's harmful for adults and children.

3. God's blueprint for marriage- complementary, monogamous, permanent- are grounded in creation order, and therefore can never be changed.

This is the granite of God's truth when it comes to our bodies. Compromise on any one of these points will result in child victimization. And that is the no go zone for believers. Plant your feet firmly on the rock and

don't

move

one

inch

You don't need to say it often, but you should say it at least once. When you do, be prepared for weeping and gnashing of teeth, threats, stonewalling, even emotional blackmail. You don't need to argue, come up with a four-point response, or even to say anything.

Just stand there and take it. But don't erase one jot or tittle of God's commands.

3. Only One Stumbling Block—Let Christ Be the Offense, Not You

Another massive error that we Christians make when it comes to engaging friends who adopt a sexual minority identity, is littering their path with needless tripping hazards. How many stumbling blocks does 1 Peter chapter 2 list? Exactly one. That stumbling block is Christ, not you. We must take care not to scatter, or become, an additional stumbling block in the path of our LGBT neighbor. I've done this by failing to not just reciprocate, but initiate, relationship with them. I’ve caused them to trip by communicating online or over text rather than in person. I’ve charged forward with truth-telling without first demonstrating love through sacrifice. Romans 12:20 tells us, “as much as it depends on you, live at peace with all men.” Since bending God's truth is off the table, “as much as it depends on us” requires that our lives bend instead. Refusal to bend in non-doctrinal matters can add unnecessary stumbling blocks to their path.

God’s immutable prescription on sex will offend, but let it be the Cornerstone they stumble over—not our sarcasm, pride, or avoidance. Don’t add pebbles of judgment, fear, or awkwardness to their path. Christ is both a foundation and a stumbling block. If someone is going to trip, let it be over Him, not you.

4. Fear God More Than Losing A Relationship

There will be moments when speaking the truth, even lovingly and carefully, will threaten a friendship, maybe even your relationship with a parent, child, friend, or spouse. In those moments, you will be tempted to chisel the edges off God's rock hard truth to maintain the relationship.

You are now at a crossroad. You can either offend God. Or you can offend man. One will result in temporary comfort for you and them. The other is eternal discomfort for you and them.

Your friend will be offended if you choose truth. God will be offended if you prioritize unity because part of your livingstone mandate is to “proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9

The false teachers who tell us that the chief end of man is to be welcoming and affirming of our gay neighbor have ignored Christ’s declaration that he did not come to bring peace but a sword.

There's absolutely no way for you to seek unity above all else without truth becoming the casualty. And trading truth is not an option for Christians. As Martin Luther famously said, “unity when possible, truth at all costs.”

So the relationship may end, at least for a season. What you must ask yourself is, “who walked away?” If you want to hear a “well done, good and faithful servant” on this matter the answer must be, “they walked away from me because I refuse to step down from the Rock.”

5. Look for Opportunities to Become a Living Stone in Their Life

“you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood…” (1 Peter 2:5)

We are not the Cornerstone, but we should be living stones, shaped by grace and set into God’s house to reflect Him. In as much as your LGBTQ friends will allow, show up, listen, help. You can’t attend their wedding, but you can bring meals, attend graduations, cry at funerals, celebrate birthdays. All while being direct if they ask not only for the reason for the hope that is in you, but whether or not you attend a “gay affirming” church.

Very often something amazing will happen through that careful faithfulness.

They will need a priest. And they will turn to you.

They get the devastating diagnosis. Their relationship falls apart. The unemployment runs out. Or they simply can't deny the emptiness any longer.

Because you have long paired loving sacrifice with truth, they know you have something to offer they can't get anywhere else. They know you have access to an otherworldly power that they need. So you become their priest, lifting their face to God and bridging the divide between the sinful man and the Sinless Man. This is what you were made for. You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a people belonging to God. Living stones who with God’s help lift other living stones out of the miry clay of sexual brokenness and confusion.

We cannot love our LGBTQ friends if we soften the truth. Christ is not Play-Doh, He is the Rock. And if you are faithful to both your friends and God’s design for our bodies, sex and marriage, those who stumble over Him today may one day build their lives around His Cornerstone. So stand strong. Speak with grace. Live with courage. And remember that those who stand on the rock of God’s truth on sex and marriage will never be put to shame.

— Katy

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About Them Before Us

Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs.

We are not professional lobbyists or political insiders. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary conviction: children must come first in every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility.

We exist to make one thing clear: when adults sacrifice for children, society thrives. When children are forced to sacrifice for adults, everyone pays the price.

Learn more or support our mission: www.thembeforeus.com