How Would You Answer the Question "Is Being Gay Genetic or a Choice?"

The short answer is "No." What's really going on?

I (Katy) started asking this question earlier than most, growing up with a mother in a same-sex relationship made it personal. For years, the cultural conversation seemed locked in a binary: either people are “born that way,” or they “choose to be gay.” One side insisted it was all biology, and that reasoning drove the legalization of gay marriage. The other insisted it was all a choice.

But as I began reading more deeply and listening to people’s stories, I found that same-sex attraction (SSA) is neither genetically determined nor usually deliberately chosen. It is most often the result of a complex interplay of childhood development, relational deprivation, trauma, and sometimes, environmental reinforcement.

The Myth of the “Gay Gene”

If someone is “born gay,” that would imply either a genetic cause or some in-utero biological event, like hormonal exposure, that programs a child for same-sex attraction. But the largest-ever study on the genetics of sexual behavior, published in Science in 2019, analyzed the genomes of over 470,000 people and found no single genetic marker associated with same-sex attraction. Researchers concluded that genetics may account for, at most, 8–25% of variation — and even that is likely the result of many genes interacting with social and environmental factors. The study itself explicitly stated: “There is no ‘gay gene.’”

What About In Utero Hormones?

Some have pointed to prenatal hormone exposure as a possible cause, especially in rare intersex conditions like Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH), which can influence gendered behavior in girls. While CAH may correlate with an increased likelihood of same-sex behavior in some women, intersex conditions are infrequent and not generalizable to the broader population. For most individuals with SSA, no clear in-utero factor has been identified.

Twin studies further challenge biological determinism. If same-sex attraction were hardwired, identical twins — who share 100% of their DNA and the same prenatal environment — would nearly always share sexual orientation. But they don’t. Concordance rates for SSA are modest at best, suggesting that genes and womb conditions are not decisive.

Sexual Orientation Is Especially Fluid in Women

Studies consistently show that female sexual orientation is more fluid than male orientation. Research published in Developmental Psychology (Diamond, 2008) and Archives of Sexual Behavior demonstrates that many women who identify as lesbian at one point in life later experience attraction to men and vice versa. Women’s sexual identity, behavior, and attraction often shift across time, relationships, or life stages, sometimes without the women themselves expecting it.

So, if SSA isn’t biological or chosen, what causes it?

Patterns in Childhood Development

Counselors, therapists, and ex-gay ministries who’ve worked with thousands of individuals experiencing SSA have observed consistent developmental patterns, especially in men, where orientation tends to be more fixed. These individuals rarely describe their desires as “chosen.” But they do often share common childhood experiences.

Sensitive Temperament and Unmet Emotional Needs

Children with naturally sensitive temperaments often internalize stress more deeply and struggle to connect with same-sex peers. For boys, who typically bond through roughhousing and teasing, a sensitive boy may feel misunderstood or excluded — even when others think they’re just playing. This early social isolation can leave a boy craving the affirmation and connection from other boys that he didn’t receive.

Bullying and Peer Rejection

Many people who later identify as LGBT describe being bullied in childhood and often attribute that bullying to being gay. But the opposite may be true. Little boys need connection and love from other little boys on a friendship level. Bullying or rejection deprives them of an emotional developmental necessity. During adolescence, the need for same-sex connection remains, but now he enters a sexually charged developmental phase. What began as a longing for male friendship can become sexualized when puberty hits. Contrary to the claim that he was bullied because he was gay, he might have become gay (developed SSA) because he was bullied.

Attachment Wounds and Family Dynamics

How many gay men do you know who had strong, loving, enduring relationships with their fathers? Answer: very few.

A child’s first same-sex attachment is with their same-sex parent. For boys, the father’s love affirms their masculine identity. He meets their need for male connection. When that father is distant, harsh, or absent, the boy’s hunger for male love doesn’t disappear, it intensifies. Without paternal affection and guidance, that need may eventually seek fulfillment in romantic or sexual relationships with other men.

Early Sexual Abuse or Experience

Sexual abuse is tragically common among those who later identify as gay or lesbian. One study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior (2001) found that 46% of homosexual men reported childhood sexual abuse, compared to 7% of heterosexual men. Among women, the numbers were 22% of lesbians vs. 1% of heterosexual women. Sexual trauma disrupts emotional development and often leads to confusion about boundaries, attraction, and identity. This is not to say that everyone who experiences abuse becomes gay — but it is a powerful and common factor.

Pornography Use and Neural Reinforcement

While more research is emerging in this area, early anecdotal and clinical reports suggest that repeated exposure to homosexual-themed pornography can reinforce same-sex attraction, especially in vulnerable or curious adolescents. Pornography hijacks the brain’s reward system. Studies on neuroplasticity show that what we repeatedly watch — and act upon — can rewire the brain’s pathways of arousal and desire. Over time, behavior doesn’t just reflect desire; it shapes it.

Conclusion: It’s Not a Choice, And It’s Not Destiny

If a boy with a sensitive nature is deprived of fatherly love, rejected by his peers, exposed to sexual exploitation, and pulled into gay pornography, few to none of which he “chose,” he may reach puberty with a deep craving for male connection. By then, those unmet emotional needs may have been sexualized. And because repeated sexual behavior reinforces desire neurologically, he may truly feel like he was “born this way.”

But he wasn’t. Nor did he choose it. Same-sex attraction, in many cases, is the tragic outgrowth of unmet developmental needs and harmful early experiences.

So what's a guy or a girl with same-sex attraction to do? Rewire their brains and realign their choices.

Attractions are rarely a choice. Behavior always is. Heterosexual or homosexual, we can and should govern our urges. The only alternative is to become a slave to our appetites.

Our choices should always be directed towards flourishing. And in the sexual realm, that means behaviors that result in adult health and child protection.

Even when affections don’t shift, behavior can. Because sexual action and family formation have ramifications that go far beyond the adults. All adults, single, married, gay, straight, fertile, and infertile, must recognize a child's right to be known and loved by both mother and father and order their choices accordingly. Someone will have to sacrifice. Will it be adult desires or will it be child rights?

Now what? Defend the family

Some of our friends who identify as gay and lesbian have endured significant childhood wounds and losses. Especially as it relates to the love they deserved from their mother and/or father. The solution then is not to remake the institution of the family into one that always excludes a child's mother or father. It's not to overhaul the most child-friendly institution the world has ever known (marriage) as a form of gay-affirming therapy. It's not to assign unrelated children to same-sex couples in the name of equality.

The answer is to double down on the importance of the intact, lifelong mother-father union: the only institution that delivers both maternal and paternal love. The institution that statistically provides the highest protection against abuse and the greatest oversight regarding explicit content. With siblings, it offers fertile ground for same-sex peer connection and inclusion — especially when rooted in a loving church community filled with other boys and girls who play, connect, and belong together.

So are people born gay, or is it a choice? No.

In most cases, same-sex attraction grows out of institutional and communal deprivation, the very deprivations the natural family was designed to prevent.

To heal that wound, we must protect and promote the family, not redefine it.

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Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs.

We are not professional lobbyists or political insiders. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary conviction: children must come first in every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility.

We exist to make one thing clear: when adults sacrifice for children, society thrives. When children are forced to sacrifice for adults, everyone pays the price.

Learn more or support our mission: www.thembeforeus.com

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