Follow the Money: LGBTQ Families and the Biology They Say Doesn't Matter

You’ve heard the arguments.

Kids don’t need a mom and dad.
They just need to be safe and loved.
Families come in all shapes and sizes.
What truly matters is commitment and care, not biology.

Have you ever asked yourself why same-sex couples need those lines to be true so badly?

It is really pretty simple: two women can’t create a child together. Neither can two men.

So, the logic goes, if biology matters (if kids actually need their mother and father), then same-sex couples can’t provide that. Therefore, the whole framework for LGBTQ family formation depends on biology not mattering to children.

Mother and father deprivation can’t be a big deal.
Loved and wanted must be all that counts.
Biology has to be irrelevant. Fictitious.
Even better, mentioning that a biological connection is significant must become bigoted to even mention.

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That’s the argument, but here’s the problem

1. The data doesn’t say biology is irrelevant. (you can find more on that here)

2. LGBTQ couples don’t act like it is irrelevant either.

Studies show that when LGBTQ couples spend their own money forming families, they do everything possible to maximize biological connection. Sometimes paying in excess of six figures for it. They’ll go to great lengths to choose complex medical procedures over simpler alternatives. They pursue every available method to secure a genetic tie to at least one parent.

These choices reveal what they really believe about biology. And it’s the opposite of what they need to argue publicly.

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What They Actually Choose

A December 2024 Williams Institute survey asked 263 married same-sex couples under age 50: What is your ideal path to parenthood?

61% chose biological pathways—IVF, surrogacy, donor insemination.

Only 36% chose adoption.

Read that again. In a population whose family rights were won by arguing biology doesn’t matter to children, nearly two-thirds prioritize biological connection when describing their ideal family formation.

Among gay fathers who used surrogacy (at $90,000–$250,000), a Cambridge University study found 68% initially considered adoption but viewed it as “less desirable.” And 51% explicitly cited “wanting a genetic connection with their child” as their motivation.

Several couples in the study described their desire for biology, saying:

“We felt that we really wanted to have our own biological children as much as possible so we could possibly understand them more.”

“They’re hard questions, it took a while. So we came up with this plan which we were going to use, some embryos would be from me, some embryos would be from him, so we had this great, neat plan. Then we got twins.”

“When we decided we were going to do surrogacy I wanted him to be the biological father of the girls. And then when we decided that we were going to have a third child it just, it just seemed natural to alternate, so I did; I was the biological father.”

“We thought just legally and emotionally it would be the best so that if you know we thought that it would be healthier for our relationship with the surrogate and healthier for the kids relationship with her because you know we were always very careful to say this is your surrogate you know, this is not your mother, we explained that to friends, because it’s not her genetic egg it really isn’t their mother and so we wanted that sense of separation.”

“It’s very painful for me as somebody that didn’t even want to have children, let alone bio children, this makes no sense at all but it hurts my spirit that neither one are mine. I can’t help that.”

When the Institute asked what’s stopping prospective LGBTQ parents, 79% said cost—not lack of interest in biological children, but inability to afford biology. One male gay couple from the Cambridge study put it bluntly, describing why they didn’t hire a surrogate: “You have to have $100,000 sitting around that you have no use for.”

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Necessity, Not Preference

LGBTQ advocates point to higher adoption rates among same-sex couples as proof that these families care less about biology. But those statistics can’t distinguish traditional adoption (taking in an unrelated child who lost their parents through tragedy) from second-parent adoption, where a non-biological spouse legally adopts their partner’s biological child. Those are very different things being counted the same way.

And even setting that aside, the numbers tell a different story when you ask the right question. Remember when the Williams Institute asked about ideal pathways, 61% chose biological routes. Adoption only climbed when they asked about likely choices — and 79% cited cost as the reason.

Private domestic adoption averages $40,000-$50,000. Surrogacy runs $100,000–$200,000. Among gay male couples, 64% say they’ll likely pursue adoption despite only 36% calling it their ideal.

That gap has a name: it’s called not being able to afford what you actually want. This is an economic constraint masquerading as a preference. Don’t mistake it for a values statement.

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Paying Extra for “Shared” Biology

The lesbian community has actually gone so far as to utilize a special medical procedure called “reciprocal IVF” specifically because it gets them as close to biological connection as they can. One partner provides eggs, the other carries the pregnancy. It’s more expensive and complex than standard donor insemination, yet still many lesbian couples pursue it.

One mother told The Bump: “It would enable both of our bodies to be involved in the process, so neither one of us would feel like we didn’t play a role in creating our child.”

Another told researchers that when family learned the child carried the non-gestational mother’s genetics, a relative said: “Oh that’s good so he is my family.”

Even in progressive circles claiming to fully support intent-based parenthood, biological connection still confers a different sense of legitimacy. Couples know it. That’s why they pay thousands extra to get it.

The Contradiction

The narrative: Severing children from their biological parents doesn’t harm them. Biology doesn’t matter. Parenthood is purely about intent. Whoever wants the child, pays for the child, commissions the child, is the parent.

The reality: LGBTQ couples overwhelmingly pursue biological connection when they can afford it, paying six figures specifically for genetic relatedness.

They rewrote an entire legal system that has required us to believe biology is irrelevant to children while their own choices prove biology matters deeply.

The desire for biological children isn’t wrong. It’s natural. Universal. Human.

That’s the point, children deserve all their biological connections. Mother and Father.

Biology Is Not Bigotry.

Nobody in this debate actually behaves like biology is irrelevant. Not even the people whose argument depends on it being irrelevant.

That’s the whole point.

When LGBTQ couples spend their own money, freely, they chase a biological connection at every turn. They pay six figures for it. They choose complex medical procedures over simple ones to get closer to it. They feel grief when they can’t access it.

You don’t spend $150,000 on something that doesn’t matter.

So here’s what the data actually tells us: biology matters. Deeply. To everyone. The disagreement isn’t really about whether biology matters to children — it’s about which biological connections count.

That’s where children’s rights come in.

If a genetic tie to at least one parent is worth $150,000 to a prospective parent, what is a child’s connection to both parents worth? If biological relatedness is so valuable that adults will restructure their finances, their bodies, and their legal arrangements to secure even half of it — why would we design a system that deliberately denies children all of it?

Children don’t just deserve a biological connection. They deserve both of theirs. Mother and father. Neither is optional. Neither is a bonus.

The actions have already made the argument. We’re just asking everyone to follow it to its conclusion.

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Them Before Us is a global movement committed to defending children’s right to their mother and father. We believe that adult desires should never come at the expense of a child’s fundamental needs.

We are not professional lobbyists or political insiders. We are ordinary people with an extraordinary conviction: children must come first in every conversation about marriage, family, and fertility. We exist to make one thing clear: when adults sacrifice for children, society thrives. When children are forced to sacrifice for adults, everyone pays the price.

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